The term emotional intelligence has become something of a buzzword. We hear that we need it and many of us feel that we have it. But in its extreme lies an unsuspecting side effect in waiting.
If you're like the average person, you might just deem yourself a bit more emotionally intelligent than, well, the average person. Of course, you would keep that to yourself. After all, it would be the emotionally intelligent thing to do.
But that doesn't mean it is always the right thing to do.
In fact, at its extreme, there is a hidden danger of emotional intelligence. When the practice of emotional intelligence becomes an overly calculated effort to apply a black-and-white approach to the human mind, many become emotionally inflexible.
In the process, it can dampen our own thoughts and feelings while unconsciously embedding a degree of artificiality into our relationships. Though it may increase our general likability, it can decrease our authenticity.
Relationships-at home or at work-become shallow and in some cases, hollow. We miss the opportunity to create strong connections and as the facade grows larger, the trust gets smaller. Our relationships suffer-including our relationship with ourselves.
Emotional intelligence has a tendency to lend to the construction of facades
In a calculated effort to be something other than what we are, we unknowingly play chameleon to the emotional environment that surrounds us. In the process, we can lose our own identity and the emotions that are within us.
The trap of emotional intelligence drives many to tell others what they think they want to hear. But we discount our own thoughts and feelings to do so and we marginalize our own emotions in the process.
What people need is not the validation of what they want to be true, but a reflection of what really is. And though reality is not always particularly popular or pretty, it is powerful. And though most of us shy away from negativity, there is a surprisingly powerful benefit to it.
While emotional intelligence is a much-needed practice and a worthy pursuit, it can become damaging to our relationships with friends, family, colleagues and ourselves and our own happiness.
Because maybe what we need is not pure emotional intelligence, but more emotional flexibility.
Emotional flexibility opens the door to authenticity
There's one simple variation of emotional intelligence that can help forge strong relationships built on authenticity: Emotional flexibility.
Similar to metabolic flexibility where the body can easily switch its form of fuel for energy, emotional flexibility is the ability to switch how we process and use emotions.
In other words, are we able to switch emotional gears quickly and aptly based on the circumstance?
The key is to know when to tune into the emotions and the ability to switch gears between them.
For example, you might know someone with a serious job who becomes overly serious-if not stoic at home.
While their profession may demand a high degree of well-calibrated emotional intelligence at work, they lose their ability to approach family and friends with the raw authenticity that makes us human.
The result is that they may continue to seem calculating and oftentimes rigid within their personal relationships that rely upon vulnerability and raw emotional connectedness.
The key to emotional intelligence is knowing when to use it
Ultimately, emotional intelligence has become the modern-day term for good social decorum and professionalism within the workplace.
While no one wants to deal with an emotionally out-of-control person, it largely boils down to knowing how you feel and knowing what you can say.
As much as you might dream of telling your boss exactly what you think, you value your career more than the fleeting satisfaction of doing so.
Maybe we don't love listening to a friend drone on about the intricacies of their office's politics or about the problems they're having with their partner. Yet, you know it means something to them and so you know it's important for you to endure it.
But there are also times when we can fall into the trap of emotional intelligence and do ourselves a disservice by allowing our minds to play emotional detective whilst we drown out our own emotions.
If we focus on consciously becoming what we believe others want us to be-or need us to be-we begin to lose who we are. Or at least we lose the ability to genuinely experience our emotions and unique thoughts-while disallowing others to do the same.
When emotional intelligence is a two-way street, we can't expect others to understand us if we don't allow ourselves to show them who we really are.
Just as we need to not only give others permission to be themselves, we need to also give ourselves permission to be ourselves.
It's within the practice of not only understanding our own thoughts and emotions but the ability to share them that helps us to have deeper relationships and deeper happiness – with ourselves, others and our work. Within this happiness, we are more creative, productive and fulfilled.
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